And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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