So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
