Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
