I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
