We named our party play list daddy issues
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
