You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
