She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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