I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
