My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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