Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
