Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
