when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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