he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, beer. Big fan.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
