i can't believe i had my finger in that
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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