taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
