Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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