Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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