Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
