I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
