Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
