I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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