I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
