I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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