dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
