My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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