got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
God gave him joint rollers for hands
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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