I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
