Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
