smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
