his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
