I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
