Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
