My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
