Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
