Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
