NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
