HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
my poor anus
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
