tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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