I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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