at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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