I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
