I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
