i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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