Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
