i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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