fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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