The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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