My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
