I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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