Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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