Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
