My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
3 2 1 whiskey
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
