I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
