I wish my penis had an off switch
Small penises have feelings too.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
