We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize