I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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