ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
