in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
