the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
