My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
