Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
