exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
