I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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